Gay Pornography

According to a prominent conservative Michael Schwartz, "All pornography is gay pornography." So that means that all those Playboys I masturbated to when I was fourteen were actually making me homosexual. And here I thought it was allowing me to look at naked women and probably objectify the female body more than is healthy. Nope. It was just making me incredibly gay. Shit. Looks like the homosexual agenda got me again.

Zen Koan

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it how many fingers am I holding up? You looked!

Important Question

In the dead of winter, do male nudists wear a hat, protective gloves, AND a condom? But let's cut the BS. It's really irresponsible that nudists walk around like that in the cold! I feel so bad for these nudists.

Family Dinners

My family used to love going for family dinners. We'd sit around and eat the Steinbergs, the Chizzniaks, and the Blackstones. Once one of them was not dead yet and when my uncle went to pick at him, the guy bit off my uncle's finger and spat it in his face- the finger went straight into my uncles's mouth- he spit it out to avoid choking with such force that it shattered a window flew through the front yard and into the engine of a car parked on the street. Needless to say the engine turned on and with it the car which drove across the lawn, through our living room, ultimately crushing and killing my uncle. Well we learned from our mistake: if you're going to have a family dinner make sure the family is cooked thoroughly and dead before you begin. That's precisely what we did later with my uncle.

Don't Patronize Small Shop Owners

It's bad enough that they don't have enough customers with all the chain stores dominating. For you to strut in and say, "Oh what a nice little store. How DO you keep in business. You must be so lucky because you're also so stupid" is just wrong. It's not nice to patronize hard working small business owners.

Pontius Pilates

Kind of like "Power Yoga" in that after your done, you feel like you're abs have been crucified.

Grandma

Republicans ARE lying that Obama wants to pull the plug on Grandma. But let's be serious for a moment. Grandma may be sweet with all of that cookie baking but where does she get the money to pay for the cookie dough and the power to run the stove? Give up? YOUR tax dollars! Not only is Grandma stealing from your hard earned money she's even taking credit for baking the cookies on her own.

So if we aren't going to pull the plug on Grandma herself, can we at least pull the plug on her oven. It's not a real oven. It's more of a place where lies are cooked until they taste so sweet that we believe they must be good for us. Face the facts folks. Grandmas are like the very cookies they bake: sweet on the outside but digesting their sweet facades will only cause you a diabetes of your soul.